Mom and Dad closeness

In the text it describes a gendered closeness perspective. Floyd took an the differences in affection by gender. Floyd noticed that women were more open in their affection with acts such as hugging kissing and saying "I love you". While Men developed closeness through activities or advice. this made me think about my parents. Yes my dad and I say I love you when we get off the phone or when i come back home from a weekend at their house, but it is not at random moments like my mother. My mom with send text messages to me while I am at work saying "I just want you to know i love you". For me, I know she loves me, and i Know how she feels, but when she uses it over and over again it loses its meaning. Not that I do not love my mom but she says it too much. When my dad and I say those words it is because we are leaving for the time being and do not know when we will talk or see each other, so the words mean a little more to me when my dad says them. And my father and I did engage in the affection through sports activities because that is all that my twin brother and I did. It seems to me that the affection closely relates to the social roles that each parent plays, the father who is supposed to be strong and tough, does not do much hugging or kissing like the mother. The mother who is supposed to be the caretaker well handle the emotional support and feeding practices.

attachment

In reading about the different attachment styles in the text made me think about my own style towards my mother. I am not sure if it is purely the style of parenting by the mother but more of the attitude of the child. I am a twin and we are two totally different people when it comes to attachment. I am pretty sure my mother raised us the same as best she could. But when it comes to my brother and I, I am more of the avoident behavior because I value my independence and I do not depend on others for anything. I have always found through my experiences that if I wanted something done i would have to do it myself. To one the other hand my brother is more Secure. He does not have a problem trusting people and can ask for support. But I do show the characteristics of a secure person when it comes to conflict. I value more of compromising and deescalating the situation than making the situation worse. I think just as everything else in life there are grey areas. Nothing is as black and white as we may want it to be. But in the end i find myself more on the side of avoidant people.

Self-Construal

With the survey in the book on page 388, i was able to average my points and see how high or low my self-construal score would be. My self-construal was a 5.5 (above 5.0 is to be considered a higher score and around the average for mainland Americans). So going along with the scale I am "likely to be concerned about the clarity constraint in [my] compliance-seeking (text, pg. 388). In the paragraph about self construal i tend to be more assertive, direct and clear when i communicate with people. Which is true, I do not have trouble speaking to people and I am usually pretty assertive. Which seems to fit the culture I have grown to be a part of. Americans seem to be more assertive and focus on Independence from people and need to be our own person and always be number one and speak up for what we believe. spell check does not like the word construal :)

Confronting

I am not much for confrontation unless the time absolutly calls for it. Even when I am uspet about other things , I try my hardest not to take those feelings out on other people. Even if i am having a bad day or the weather has me down. I have been around people who have trouble doing that. it seems that if they are unhappy they will be very cranky and not a happy person. Even with the example in the book about a green light. I usually just sit there and wait and have someone else do the honking. I just wait and try at all costs to avoid conflict. I like to be the guy who seems calm and collective during times of confict and try to keep the situation calm. I like being that guy to other people. I want to be the one who calms down the situation. So I will confront people who are trying to keep with conflict. To try and stop conflict.

coming apart

It is always hard for relationships to come to an end. but the stages of coming apart hit the order on the head. First changing the topics from "we" to "I" or "you'', then the self disclosures become more at the surface and information and feelings get put away and nothing gets resolved, then comes stagnating. Now stagnating is hard for most people. I have been in this before where I just wait for that event to end and then call it off. Not doing the breaking up before the event because of the idea of trying to find someone else to go with or the idea that you may have to talk about the idea. I had a case at my twin brothers wedding. My girlfriend at the time was one of the bridesmaids and we could not really call off the idea. So we stayed together for two more weeks just for the sake of the wedding. She stayed for the wedding and everything that followed but it was hard for the both of us because we knew it maybe the last time. We both decide to avoid eachother for a while and see if we really wanted to seperate, Needless to say we never got to the terminating phase because the time apart made us see how we really felt for each other, we just needed that time to get away and figure stuff out on our own time.

Cheating

This country or I should say society has been more open to the idea of cheating. Not so much excepting the idea but open to talking about it. You remember stories of the Scarlet letter and how the adulterer would be treated with a scarlet A sewed on to their clothing. I think about how it would look if we were to do that now, almost everyone of my friends (guys and girls) would have that letter. To me cheating is more of choice, it is a way of communicating your feelings about the relationship to your partner. It should not depend on how the victim found out but more the idea that it is an open way of telling people you are not happy. It can not be fixed by admitting your fault, geting caught red handed, finding out from someone else, or probing for the answer, because either way it happened and the relations can be broken and trust thrown out the window. Almost every person has had an experience with cheating, in any of the three positions that are directly affected.

"I just need to know"

The idea in chapter ten about assurances can play a role in all of our lives. Whether it be in an intimate relationship or in our education. Some people need the non verbal assurance in a relationship to assure themselves that person is there for them in the long haul. The idea of hugging, conversation, smiling, and vocal interest are some cues that people identify as assurance. But the sensitivity of the other person is a huge key. I have had problems where the person I was talking to was a little more sensitive than i thought. We then got into an argument because we both got defensive about our own feelings. So when talking to the person or trying to comfort them, try to recognize what makes them feel better and talk about that.