coming apart

It is always hard for relationships to come to an end. but the stages of coming apart hit the order on the head. First changing the topics from "we" to "I" or "you'', then the self disclosures become more at the surface and information and feelings get put away and nothing gets resolved, then comes stagnating. Now stagnating is hard for most people. I have been in this before where I just wait for that event to end and then call it off. Not doing the breaking up before the event because of the idea of trying to find someone else to go with or the idea that you may have to talk about the idea. I had a case at my twin brothers wedding. My girlfriend at the time was one of the bridesmaids and we could not really call off the idea. So we stayed together for two more weeks just for the sake of the wedding. She stayed for the wedding and everything that followed but it was hard for the both of us because we knew it maybe the last time. We both decide to avoid eachother for a while and see if we really wanted to seperate, Needless to say we never got to the terminating phase because the time apart made us see how we really felt for each other, we just needed that time to get away and figure stuff out on our own time.

Cheating

This country or I should say society has been more open to the idea of cheating. Not so much excepting the idea but open to talking about it. You remember stories of the Scarlet letter and how the adulterer would be treated with a scarlet A sewed on to their clothing. I think about how it would look if we were to do that now, almost everyone of my friends (guys and girls) would have that letter. To me cheating is more of choice, it is a way of communicating your feelings about the relationship to your partner. It should not depend on how the victim found out but more the idea that it is an open way of telling people you are not happy. It can not be fixed by admitting your fault, geting caught red handed, finding out from someone else, or probing for the answer, because either way it happened and the relations can be broken and trust thrown out the window. Almost every person has had an experience with cheating, in any of the three positions that are directly affected.

"I just need to know"

The idea in chapter ten about assurances can play a role in all of our lives. Whether it be in an intimate relationship or in our education. Some people need the non verbal assurance in a relationship to assure themselves that person is there for them in the long haul. The idea of hugging, conversation, smiling, and vocal interest are some cues that people identify as assurance. But the sensitivity of the other person is a huge key. I have had problems where the person I was talking to was a little more sensitive than i thought. We then got into an argument because we both got defensive about our own feelings. So when talking to the person or trying to comfort them, try to recognize what makes them feel better and talk about that.

How hot is she?

People can talk all they want about physical beauty but it seems in my experience that with beauty also comes attitude. I am not saying this is how all "beautiful" women are, i am just saying in MY experience. Yes I am attracted to the girls that are easy on the eyes but i have also been attracted to the "decent" looking ones (i say that because that is how our society ranks attractiveness). A girl that seems to be more about their partner, trust and sense of humor can become attractive just by their personality. Not only do most attractive people date each other (pg. 250) but i agree that one person will always have the upper hand if the relationship is just based on the physical and not the psychological or communication factor. But I agree with that only from the standpoint of younger people. Being more mature than I used to be, I find myself more attracted to the girls who have more personality than looks. Yes they can happen but i know girls who have become more and more attractive the more frequent our interactions became.

now when to tell a story

'Timing is everything'. When engaged in a conversation, do you wait for the right time to tell that person something about you or do you tell them right away? There is a fine line here but in the text it states it is better to wait to tell a personal story (pg. 207). I think if a person jumps out and staresteem. ts telling personal things to people, the reciever of this story is going to think that is personal is too open, too out in your face, and too willing to spill information if told (trust). The person who jump starts the conversation with personal information probably is trying to prove something to that other person they are talking to. To me it seems they have no self control or self respect, or self esteem

Be real

With the idea of honesty, it is hard to not support the text. But i do feel that honesty is always the best road to take. But in most cases it is the best road to take. I think if that the truth is going to come out it needs to come out. I feel that if people want to lie or fabricate stories to make themselves sound better, then let them do it or you could call their bluff. Tell the realy story to other people. The people who are lying are only hurting themselves. I am not saying that i have not lied before, i have lied plenty of times in my day, but it takes more work to keep a lie than it is to tell the truth. If people want to tell stories about how they did this and they did that, go ahead.
There are times where telling a lie is okay. When my girl friend asks me what i think about something, i give her my honest opinion (most of the time). But if i can tell that she really is happy about the choice she made or is really happy about something and asks for my opinion, i will side with her because it is what makes me happy. I know i contradict myself here but i honestly think that telling the truth is easier than telling a lie. People want to talk to and communicate with a person who is honest and has a good head on their shoulders.

Open the Doors to your world

Privacy is a big issue for some. My own thinking about privacy is that there is a time for it. In a new relationship you are not going to tell that newly loved one everything about you. You may keep things from your partner but keeping too much can be a problem. People can be really private about their life and become so isolated from the outside world that interaction in near impossible. People are sometimes afraid of leaving themselves vulnerable, but I say ‘go for broke’. You do not have to feel so vulnerable that you keep everything inside (then you end up like a guy I know that just upped and moved away from his family…and he was a grandfather of 13) because they will tend to cause more trust issues with people who you could potentially fully trust. Like the example in the book states that the couples who did not open up enough, caused arguments and had some communication breakdown. My final word: Open up to whom ever you feel is right. Go for broke and if they hurt you, it was not meant to be. Just let them know about your thoughts on opening up and they should respect your thoughts and feelings. You can not succeed in something if you are worried about failing.

well I just could not do it

I have heard many people give a lot of excuses about why they were late or why they did not do the assignment they were supposed to do, myself included. But it is really funny that this topic comes up in such a time for me. I have been helping this 16 and under travel baseball team for the past few weeks now, and these kids have these ideas of defending the self in everything they do. " I could not get the bunt down becuase it was a curveball" (Excuses) or "I did not catch the ball because the sun was in my eyes" , (which could be an excuse but we had told the kids to get glasses for this weekend becuase the field is a "sun field"). But always the one that comes up is the missed practice. How they missed the last practice becaue their mom had a hair appointment and did not get out in time. The justification for these kids are in high gear as well. "I dropped the ball but it was a foul ball so it does not matter". For those who do not know a foul ball means the ball was in the air and it was not inside the chalked field of play, the kids droppped the foul ball and the next pitch the batter hit a base hit. If the kids would have just said sorry coach i missed it, that would have been great. But there is always a reason for messing up. Just take credit for what you do and if you mess up you take the blame. they all want to save face and find a way to blame something else for their failure at that certian point trying to keep a positive face.

Imus just can not adapt

With the example of don Imus in the beginning of chapter 16 it caused a little bit of anger inside of my stomach. The example of Imus shows that a person can be successful and have fame, but one simple phrase can ruin it all. I am not sure what he was trying to accomplish with his quote but it was out of context for a person like him. Some lingo is only for a certain group or is only acceptable in some groups. For me, I can joke around with my black friends when we are together in a private setting an make fun of them, but it would not be okay for me to do that in front of their other black friends whom i do not know. Imus did not show the communication competence by not adapting to the certain environment that he was in. He was not being sensitive to ALL the listeners of his show. He stated a phrase that was negative in nature and he had not adapted his lingo to show the importance of an other persons goals or feelings. Imus being a older white male did not the right social composure is the radio announcement because he was talking in a negative nature. He was not trying to name these girls in a positive way and thus down grading their physical goal of winning a national championship. But most of all Imus did not have the right appropriate disclosure. He was not sensitive to the information about the girls basketball team, and never decided to articulate on his statement but used the name as a label of these girls.

A strong look in the mirror...

The ancient Greeks put one of my friends in a nut shell. Narcissus is the spitting image of my friend in the mental aspect. He feels that whatever he says or whatever he does, any one with in distance should find it important and want to be there. He puts himself on a pedestal higher than anyone could ever reach. Even in the aspect of relationships, he played games, lied, was unfaithful, and always found away out of trouble through his words. With his girlfriend, he made her so afraid of him with just his presence in voice and anger, she did not want to upset him and cause a bigger fight. He made her so submissive she could not do the things that he did (go out, have a drink at the bar with a person of the opposite sex, or even drink) because he loved how she played into his life.
Any type of conflict in his life, he handled it with violence. Because he did not have a response or becuase he did not want to talk about it, he used violence or argue (p. 447). He would get into fights when someone would try to place themselves above him or would challenge him. No real communication went on with my friend when he was in his moods. He did not seem to care what another was saying and would interrupt while changing the subject at the same time. Although in the book i scored above a 4.0 in one category and would score close with an upper 3 (above 3.5) the the others, do not consider myself higher than most people. The area i scored a 4 in was the leadership/authority questions (1-3 p. 455). I think i am a good leader, but i do not place myself in a higher authoritative place and take control of others with games and/or lying.

A little Sociology for you

In chapter 5 the authors bring up the idea of stereotypes. In my major of sociology we focus a whole class to stereotypes and different ideas of cultures and ethnicity's. The way stereotypes are passed down or how they are set into our mind is through speech. Usually from a relative who share those thoughts about a different person or persons on their appearance. This does not have to be with direct speech to a young child or person, but with reactions about a certain person or if the older person is talking to their friends and the little person is within ear distance. We keep up these thoughts with a type maintenance. Stereotype maintenance is continued through the process of communication with the mouth and the body.
Although this chapter talks about the positive side of stereotypes with the example of looking for a police officer or a taxi (all who usually have certain signs "characteristics" that are universal). That is a stereotype that help us throughout our normal lives. We as people automatically place others into groups (in-group or out-group) from the start. We find ways to separate ourselves from others we do not care for or do not like.

Chapter 4

In chapter four, I learned what it "really" meant to be a good listener. Inside the text, the authors posted a survey to asses your use of various cognitive listening components. The most interesting thing for me was the statement about "catching myself not listening". This is not really what I am going to post about but it was an interesting topic for me. What did stick with me was the behavioral components. I may be different but when a person over uses the backchannels, it is hard for me to concentrate on my own speech. A little bit is fine but not too much. Also when I tend to be thinking about what the speaker is saying, i do make a lot of eye contact. When I show the interest same amount of interest in the speaker as the speaker is showing in their topic they tend to speak more and usually will listen to my side as well. At the same time when I show the attentiveness they would like, they give the same attention to me.

starting class

Okay so I am new to this whole idea of blogging but just like in the song "life's a dance you learn as you go", I have decided to take the same route. I am not sure what to really expect from my first blog, really trying to get the feel for this type of journal writing in a public forum. Most of my blogs may come to you at times usually not expected by people in this type of a class because of my work schedule but you will get the new postings as soon as possible. Well, that is about all I've got to say about that. Talk to you all later